Monday, March 02, 2015

“When you’re the person who chases love but runs away from it”

Written: July 16, 2014
2:48 AM

            I’m moving out from the place I have stayed at for almost 2 years and somehow it felt like an end of an era. A lot has happened in my life but a lot had not changed either. As a small girl in the big city, a lot has occurred then but basically, I am still that person who chases love but runs away from it the second I feel that voice behind me saying “Ohhh, there goes that feeling..”

            I am the person who prays to God everyday asking for that person whom I can spoon with all night. I am that girl everyone’s blaming because maybe “you’re too picky to get a guy” and feeds me that crap every second I ask why they assumed that BS. I am that girl who dances, flirts, and kisses guys all night; but as soon as they man up to get my digits, I think and act of a lame ass excuse to runaway and successful, I am. That’s my M.O. All those who party with me knows this already, but I know you are reading this because you are my sister/ brother of this familial scene. Yes, you are painfully reading this because you are GUILTY and is wanting to get answers to these excruciating queries: “Why are we like this?”, “Why can’t we find love even if its image is smacking us in the face with a bat?” and “Why do we even have to be innately in tune to someone? Why can’t we just be alone and be content with it?”

            Let me start with the last question: You are HUMAN. That’s basically a cliché to hear but the saying “No man is an island”- it is sound- at least psychologically. Erik Erikson popular developmental psychologist has an answer to these cumbersome feelings any 20-40 year old have. You do belong in this phase called the Intimacy vs. Isolation. Being in this stage in your life, the relentless tape playing in your head wants to answer the questions: “Will I be left all alone or will I be loved?” The major conflict lies with us finding that someone who we can share the rest of our lives with, wanting that intimate, secure and love filled relationships. If you don’t find these in this phase, you will feel the adverse effects- feelings of loneliness, sadness and sometimes, depression.

            I don’t know about you but I can speak for myself: I don’t need to wait till I’m 40 to feel ISOLATED. At 24, being single for years and years- yes, I am independent. I know that and it is something that I take pride on- I pay my bills, party on my own, can handle a drink and a meeting well at the same time (but not in that order). It’s safe to say I’m self sufficient in almost every aspect of my life- I do things on my own watch and do it in HEELS mind you. I put everything out there in certain aspects of my life and I do it happily during weekdays. Come Saturday, after a night of nonstop partying all over the city, relentless flirting and kissing (sometimes, sleeping around) with strangers you wouldn’t see anymore- a few hours after the alcohol ran off your system- you’ll find your old friend named sadness knocking at your door. Once you’re sober, that’s when reality hits you hard.

So “why are we like this” then? Maybe because of a past love that ruined you and broke your heart into tiny specks? Maybe you dedicated time to pick them up bit by bit and promised never to fall like that again. Maybe you’ve watched too many movies that molded you into this idealistic “Sleepless in Seattle/ Serendipity” person? You believe that you can never fall in love unless there’s some cosmic-slash-destiny shit behind all of it. Or maybe, your heart was never thumped by anyone yet? Just hearing other people talk about how shitty theirs was make you shove love and slam it shut.

            Either way, whichever causes you to run away from love- whether it’s fear of getting hurt, investing into something not perfect or fear of letting go- it all boils down to one word- FEAR.

            Now, as a person who runs away from love- I ask you to do this with me. : Let’s not be a spectator in our own lives. The more we hide behind this FEAR- the more we give it power. Each day should be dealt with. It might be a roller coaster of emotions with pangs of sadness and happiness in between. But don’t you think everything you have decided upon led you to this very moment? Why not make life worthwhile then? Decide that you will do one scary shit at a time because this will lead to another until it’s not scary anymore. The magical powers fear have over us will soon be over- after reading this- let’s pursue the love that we want to have (depends on where you stand on how you will punctuate its ending- .or , or ! or ?)

            Why don’t we make a deal, yes? Next time you hear from me- I will update you on how I conquered this lifelong fear(s). I hope you will have stories to tell as well (I’m pretty sure you will!). Till then...